The Choices I've Made
By Alex Ness
THIS LIFE
I didn't go through Hell growing up. I went through Heck. People reading my words often think I'm saying that I had it the worst of all humanity. I had some good life portions. Having perfectionist parents, physical punishments, and bullies, added to a number of horrible accidents that led to concussions, a broken leg, with three particular fracture lines, that my father made me walk off, I was left with scars. My parents both meant well, but my personality, mind, outlook were all carved from the soul of thoughtful, dreamer, and introvert. An introvert who is so introverted, conformity to a life where you do things because "its the way it has always been done" is vile shit.
That still sounds like I am complaining. If you see it as that you might be demanding I conform to your definition of complaining, when I am trying to explain. And that you demand I conform to the lives and societal perceptions of other. If so, you might have a suggestion to read no further. It won't get better in that regard the further we go.
I chafed at the demand I smile for pics. My eyes were always sensitive to light so it even happens when I smiled my eyes were tearing up. The eye doctor said, yeah, it is natural and real thing unrelated to emotions, so it is not ideal. I was told over the years I cried over everything. And now, I do cry, I am not crying from sorrow or pain, I cry as often over joy as I do sorrow. But life doesn't let you choose your emotional response. You are responding.
Attachment for me once I trust someone is an easy thing. Sometimes, especially in this internet life, I find people I've attached to aren't similarly so to me. Some other people think that is groovy so they get you to give them money, or books or love. I tend to be generous with friends, or I did when I could drive and mail things easily. My memory loss and such makes that far less easy. I get lost now so easily, a route 25 years known to me gets me lost.
I was asked by someone I like very much, if growing up I thought of being a historian and pol science guy. I liked dinosaurs and history, but didn't know how that would work out. Most of the friends I had who got good grades, and ended up with great careers, weren't altogether, while growing up, my best of friends. My best friends were like me, had knowledge and intuition, but testing by memorization and false measures of ability didn't necessarily display good grades. One teacher I had mocked me for my ideals, for my first name, for my family, and for not being a "Packers" fan. I still liked them, but my like list is rather crowded. I heard in private he was kind and well thought of, but not by me. I had, at a time, decided to use my paper route money, having had a route for 7 years, to pay for a visit after I graduated high school to Europe. I thought, I might not be good enough at art, but maybe I could teach it so others might appreciate it. That never happened and I am grateful for that, I get more enjoyment from writing poetry than I do drawing guys fighting monsters.
Writing gave me solace, but I don't think I know now, let alone then, what my path and purpose were supposed to mean. I love my wife and son, I've great friends, none near me, still I love reading tons of books. Some day I'll create a list of the most important books in my human development. A quick look would be The Little Prince, Beowulf, The Cost of Discipleship, Alexander of Macedon, The Battle That Stopped Rome: Emperor Augustus, Arminius, and the Slaughter of the Legions in the Teutoburg Forest. I am happy to have read fiction and non fiction, comics and poetry, and huge, lush encyclopedias. Life is better when you grow the brain you are born with.
MY POETRY: AlexNessPoetry.Blogspot.Com
MEDIA: Poplitiko.Blogspot.Com
PROSE THOUGHTS: AlexNessWritesv1.blogspot.com
My Published Works: HERE
Social Media
https://bsky.app/profile/alexanderness63.bsky.social
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